Why Scared to Become a Doula?
If you know me in real life, you know that until you get to know me, I can be kinda quiet. And maybe if you’re super close to me, you know that even though I like to do things, and hang out with friends, these things also cause some anxiety for me. There’s actually only a few select friends, including my husband, that I don’t get anxiety when I am around them. You know who you are. But why, why am I am so scared to be a doula? Why am I so scared to do something that I feel passionately about? Fear of failure? Fear that I will let down someone that is counting on me? Fear of letting myself down? Maybe in a way it’s all of these things.
You see learning has never been a natural thing for me, I have always struggled. Struggled even to make B’s and C’s in school. If I ever got an A, it was literally a miracle. I’m also not a natural studier. Even if it’s something that I’m really excited about, I usually don’t want to study, or if I do, I get tired of it really quick. And I think this is part of my fear. I want to be the best doula that I can be. I want to be there to help women. But I have a fear that even though this something that I want to do, that I will fail. And not because I didn’t try, but because, for some reason I am just not good enough.
I’m sure I worry too much about what people think about me, and what I do with my life. But then again, sometimes that worry is what keeps driving me to prove to people that I can do it. And that is again, where the fear of not being a good enough doula comes into play. I want to prove to all the people out there who think I won’t do this, or that I’m going to give up, that I will do it, and I’m going to give it the best I can. Even if that means failing a few times.
My Real Fear
But actually, I am pretty sure I got off topic about why I am here. My fear is that I won’t be a good enough doula, but also, my bigger fear is that I won’t get the scholarship that I need to pay for my schooling. That is what scares me. I can’t even begin to think of other ways to pay for it if I don’t get the scholarship. And I want this so bad. I have worked and worked on the essay I wrote, and sometime next week, I will hopefully have the interviews I need, but what if it’s not good enough?
There are so many scholarships out there, for different schools, and true people do get them, but I don’t think I will be one of them. See the thing is, had I picked a writing school for instance(I have pretty high scores in writing, and have been invited to attend writing schools), I could have very easily gotten a scholarship. But writing is not what I wanted to do, this is. So obviously, I have picked the not so easy course, one where I am actually gonna have to try to get a scholarship.
So I guess you could still say my fear is still failure, just failure in a couple of different aspects. Failure that I won’t write a good enough paper, failure that I won’t do good enough in school, and failure that I won’t be a good doula.
Talk About It
I still have these fears, but being able to talk to someone about it has really helped. I just sat down one day, with my husband, and just told him everything I was feeling. He didn’t tell me that I would positively get the scholarship, but he did make me feel better about my essay that I wrote. And he made me feel better about how good of a doula I will be.
That doesn’t mean those fears are gone, I still have them, and I will probably continue to have them, even after I have long been certified. But definitely talking about it has made it better.